Mood: Sharing Once upon a time lived a mess of a person. She was addicted to cough medicine and would abuse it any chance that arose. She would like to share something with you, for a peek into the slightly psychotic mind of a person on hallucinogens. This is a letter she wrote to Billy Corgan in March of 2002: I've wandered years on this spinning rock, dreaming dreams of escaping this pending lunacy that seemed to saturate itself completely within my heart and mind. I stood amidst the ruins as the landscape tickled my fears and beguiled my faith to mourn. These thoughts I've harbored, so strong yet so shy. I've kept them in their own special box in the far corners of my mind. Has lunacy reared its filthy hands over me? Is I of the Radio whispering all of these things into my ear? Dare I respond? I sent my echo into the sky, night after night. The answer... will it come? Patience, sweet girl, ...patience. I of the Radio had silently spoken secrets into my heart. Bits and pieces whirling around in an infinite spiral; some messages sticking, and some falling to the ground, crushed by the feet of the blind; crushed by the feet I called my own. His hidden injunctions that I juggled so carelessly at times, made me fascinate in the absurd, knowing full-well my beliefs could fall to their graves. I of the Radio had told me of a special union that only His children can fathom, connects our hearts and thoughts and makes us one. I am you as you are I. We are all one. These impulses have been moving ever so feverishly through every cavity of my soul ever since innocent childhood; indeed, so old in my shoes. I've looked in the mirror and saw your face. I've tried to wipe that mirror clean, but still I saw you. You handed me your heart on a strong, and I took it and sewed it with my own. I saw in your eyes, things unimaginable and beautiful--things I of the Radio had sent you to deliver to me. I've sung my heart out a million times over for these feelings to touch your heart, and this letter is a gift of my heart on a string to sew to your own. We are slaves by birth, chosen to move through these ominous forces together. I've given up the flesh and the world I used to know, the world in which I thought I belonged. My heart and mnd are full of pearls, covered by the body of a tarnished penny that has fallen through the grates in the sewer, still I move on. This body is destroyed, yet the light in my heart illuminates into the depths in which the eyes are no more. Do you dare takes these words and etch them into your heart? For I am just a puppet performing to anyone that will listen, but I ask again, do you dare to hear this fool that I may be? The story of Glass is the story of me. The first time I read Glass and the Machines of God / A modern fable, my jaw dropped, my eyes watered and my heart sank deep within my stomach. Glass is my reflection, and what I get from you naming the main character Glass, is that Glass is actually the reflection of you as well, but more fabricated. Here is my own personal story, which coincides almost identically to Glass. Ever since I was a small child, I've felt that God has connected with me and murmured small fractions of information into my ears. As time went by, I grew older and more fractions of messeges were sent; some forgotten in the back of my mind, and some boldly remembered by means of dreams or outrageous ideas that sent a surge of energy through my body. Time marched on and fractions upon fractions of these messages invaded my head. "What do they mean", I'd wonder to myself. At times, it drove me absolutely retarded. Am I insane? Who else could feel this way? Dare I tell anyone? I felt this giant passion to do something, to contribute something somehow, but what was it I was supposed to do, and when and where will this all fit in? Now, I've been a devoted SP listener since early 1993, and I was always drawn to the lyrics and overall ambiance of the music. You were truly unique and refreshing. The Pumpkins have been my best friend for years. I've laughed, cried, screamed, raged, wanted to live, wanted to die... all these emotions ran furiously in me just listening to your albums. I connected with every song because it screamed the emotions that were trapped in my heart, and put to words my feelings precisely. I felt a special bond between us that transferred itself from God, to you, and then to me. I had this indescribable energy to talk to you face to face as a person. I wanted to get inside your head because deep down, I knew we were obscured reflections of one another, but I had no idea why exactly I felt this, and it kind of freaked me out. One day, not too long ago, I had the sudden urge to pop in Machina. I was in the back passenger seat of the car with my CD player and something made me zoneout. Now, I had listened to Machina 90,504,549 time sbefore, but this time, something was different. As soon as Everlasting Gaze played, something within me stirred. It was the same energy that I've had all these years, the same feeling I got when these fractions of messages were delievered. They all began to snap together like some kind of ancient puzzle. I listened to your voice. I listened closer than I ever have before. I closed my eyes, looked down and just listened carefully, as if it were a life or death situation. It became very clear to me at that second, that God was behind all of this. He was behind your messages, my messages, the band... everything. This whole time, these messages were trying to be delievered to me, but bouncing off because it wasn't yet my time to understand them fully. Every song found a new meaning to me, as if it were a wake up call for my spirituality, and it skimmed the surface of my purpose. It was God pummeling my head in, saying "Wake up! The Pumpkins have been in your face the whole time, and you didn't even notice the true meaning until now, and now I have unblinded your eyes." It was a surreal feeling. I lstened further, and all the messages poured into my heart, all wiht new meanings. God... He was behind this. I felt it in my heart, bones, soul...I felt it everywhere and in everything. But, could I just be insane? Are these messages coming from the true God, the creator of all? Or perhaps some B-movie spin-off that my corrupted mind has concocted? I prayed in the middle of a song for an answer. Then, Glass and the Ghost Children came on, and my ears perked to the middle of the song where it breaks off and goes into you talking about God. I always knew it was there, but for some reason I never paid as close attention as I did that moment. It was like every other time before this, I was supposed to block that part out. I sat back and listened to what you were saying, "I always assume that the voice I hear is the voice of God. Then I started thinking, what if I'm insane?" When I heard this, I got a bit freaked out and threw my headphones down. My prayer was answered. Right then, I recalled in my head, an instance from Euphoria. You were in Japan doing an interview right beore you played Slunk, and one of the interviewers asked "What does Smashing Pumpkins mean", and you replied, "God's Joke". I now knew eaxctly what you meant by that. There's the outer message that anyone who looks at it carefully enough can find and relate to, but there's more to it than that. There's an underlying message that only few people can hear without even trying. I knoew this for a fact because I've been on both sides of the fence, an dI know how not being "selected" so to speak, can affect the potency of your message. There's the "Oh I get it", and then there's the "Holy shit, I totally get it!!", if you know what I mean. Anyway, I put the headphones back on and skipped back a little. "And the fact that I believe I'm following my intuition which in and of itself may be totally false...", this is exactly the way I felt. The same exact feelings. What if what I'm hearing in my head is completely wrong? But I put faith into my beliefs that this was the true God communicating with me, knowing full well that my beliefs could be completely wrong. Hell, what do I have to lose? I knew then why I had such a drawing to your words. I knew why God had placed the Pumpkins into my heart at such a young age. You were the reason I started writing, and then I realized that my ability to write was a gift from God and to be used in part of His will for me. I felt that there was something huge on the horizon. SOmething so big, so massive, yet so veile over in my eyes. I prayed for yt another sign that I'm no insane for thinking this. A sign that told me that I'm a piece into a special puzzle that only few a part of. I prayed dilligently for this answer. After a few days of all this new information being aroused insde of me, I played SP constantly, day and night. I prayed and prayed, and had this feeling come over me that this is what my life will go to. I knew it had to do with delivering God's message, and I knew in my heart that I'd give my entire life to do this, but how? Where do I start? I prayed for the answer constantly. The answer came shortly thereafter. I got on the co mpute rand decided to check out SP.com for no particular reason. I hadn't read any of the Glass and the Machines of God / Glass and the Ghost Children writings. I started reading and again I felt that intense energy within me. "Read it carefully" the voice in my head told me. I read and realized THIS was the answer to my prayer. Glass's life is almost identical to mine, which in that respect is almost identical to yours. I read Glass and the Machines of God and it was like I was reading my own biography, just a little more fabricated. My whole life, I had pictured my one true love, th one who was a reflection of myself, bt at the same time was everything I was not. It was a person who I've written about for yers, waiting as patiently as I could for our paths to cross. It took years, but I found that person and went through the love situation, which occurred before reading any of the Machine archives. I came to realize after all was said and done, I was in the same situation with Glass and June, except I'm a girl, so therefore June was a male. In my eyes, I was set. I had my soulmate and God by my side; the ultimate combination. But after a while my June was becoming the center of my life and everything else didn't exist, and I knew deep down inside that this was wrong. I loved God, but sadly and seemingly uncontrollably, he became 2nd to my June. When I pray, I phave a tendency to be brutally honest with God, and I told Him that the way I'm feeling right now, I'd choose my June over Him, and I knew that wasn't how it should be. God heard me loud and clear, and took my June from me forever, and showed me the harsh lesson that He needs to be the center of my life; my #1. It was a love that was cast down from my own words. God showed me that I have a lot of work to do on myself and for His plan, and that work will be revealed to me shortly. That was when I began to read the Machina archives one day, and saw I of the Radio Ministries, and knew it was my destiny to be a part of that with you. It was God's promise to me, being fulfilled so far. I need to collaborate with you and everyone else involved in this. I feel, with every part of my being, that I'm to be some part of this, to deliver God's message and truth to the world. My destiny was and is to plant the seeds of God's love and truth into everyone's hearts, and watch God transform those seeds into beautiful gardens. I prayed for years before this enlightenment for God to send someone into my life who was a little older than I was, who has experienced the world and its cruel touch, more so than I have experienced. I wanted someone that could show me so many new things, someone I can share thoughts with, that most of society would consider retarded and ridiculous. I just wanted a friend who I can sit and talk about these things God seemed to be telling me, and have that person be like, "Yes, I know that feeling exactly". I've been lacking that person in my life all these years, but my heart honestly tells me that this person whom I've been seeking is you. I'm not wealthy. I'm not popular. I'm not beautiful or loved. I'm a high school drop-out who has nothing to offer you other than a heart that's connected to yours through God, and a complete and utter love and devotion to get the message out by any means necessary, unless it meant hurting others or something crazy. Sending this letter was the first step into my foreseeable destiny. I'm ready and willing to devote my entire life to this cause. I have this undying passion to talk to you, one on one--not to Billy the rock star, but to Billy, the person. I'd sit and listen to you and feel like a kid in a candy store. I can look into your eyes and see part of myself. I of the Radio, passing messages along to you, and from there God creates beautiful music and words through you. From there, you pass along these messages to those capable of hearing it. I'm trusting God to deliver this letter into the right hands, and the chords of destiny will play their majestic songs to unsleeping ears. I love you with all my heart. May God bless our paths enough to cross and for me to work with you somehow. Thank you for devoting your life to what you believe, for I believe in you with all my heart because we are reflections of one another, and we are all a part of God. If you told me to come there and work with you in whatever way, I'd drop everything and come with a devoted heart. If you told me to fuck off, I'd understand and would still love you anyway. Thank you for everything. Love,
Hallucinogens and Letters
1:58 p.m.//06.30.06
Dena
-- Funny thing is, the letter came back undeliverable. Quite amusing. It's rather insane how drugs can soil the mind and trick it into thinking so many outrageous things.
[previous]������[forward]