I'm seeking every demon
9:29 a.m.//02.26.06

Mood: Meloncholy
Sound: Stabbing Westward -- You Complete Me

This is ~day 13,293 of depression, which I now mask with substance abuse. You know the trick; take something bad and make it worse. In these things I excel.

A little inhalation of reality inhibitor. I've been busy coping with nothing in particular--the same crap, really--still cutting myself on the same shards of absolutely not wanting to be in this rutt, or this place, or this life for that matter.

Exceedingly dissatisfied with practically everything, and no way out of it in sight. I'm going to church this morning. The troubling thing is I really don't feel like going and rather than doing what I'm supposed to, I want to sit alone and smoke weed until I lose consciousness. My apologies, as much as I can mean them.

It makes me feel like such a hypocrit; going to church and coming home and smoking a giant bowl. But then I think about hospitals, for example. Hospitals are primarily meant for the sick and ailing, as such are churches. They're basically spiritual hospitals, of which I'm in one of the ICU rooms, flatlining quickly.

The point is, I'm on self-destruct for the time being, and it certainly isn't fun.


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