Closets full of nothing
3:40 p.m.//04.28.05

Mood: Neither here nor there
Sound: The Mars Volta -- Concertina

My mind is churning up falsities again. It's basically a full-time job keeping them at bay and distinguishing which thoughts are fully warrented and which are absolutley not.

Most usually turn up unwarrented. It's just so difficult to try to be logical with emotion, because we tend to not feel logics, but we we do feel emotion, quite obviously.

Why can't I feel the truth rather than the lies? It's programming, and it's so difficult to change on a permanent level.

Often when I wake up, right as I open my eyes, I feel this surge of gloom and dread build up in my chest, and I have to make a concious effort to redirect my thoughts elsewhere. Usually I can be heard saying, "No no no no no no no..." which is a clear indication that the claws of doom are trying to thrash me.

I've found the "No no no" method to work rather well. I just wish I didn't have to do it in the first place.

I look at the Ambien commercials (the sleeping pills), and the husband wakes up refreshed and smiling, happy to greet the day. There are people who are actually like this. I'd enjoy meeting them just to pick their brain, seeing as I have absolutely no idea how to attain that -- it seems like a fairytale existence.

I've grown so weary of secret competition between me and whomever else is working towards something I want. I'm scared to the bone of things being attained before me, as it would just needlessly solidify my already solidified feelings that I'm less than everybody else on the planet.

I want it to be my turn, and this is soley up to me -- ME -- one of the least trustable people to work towards attaining anything.

It's quite the conundrum. It's like fighting a losing battle, and the only person able to rush in for the save is myself, who just so happens to also be the same person who has a closet full of half-finished goals.

It's laughable, in that utterly disgusted, 'figures...', 'what else is new...' kind of way.


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