Sometimes people say things to you that make you reassess your feelings or thoughts towards them, like they're giving you the concrete evidence to support that there's absolutely no use in ever dealing with this person or coming into any contact with them at all. I can pinpoint a few instances of this in my life, where someone has said something to me, and right then and there I knew I was involved in something that had no hopes of ever being what I wanted it to be. You finally reach a point where you can just shake your head and let out a sigh mixed with a slight giggle, as you realize this person will never understand you. I wouldn't hold it against someone if they tried to understand and couldn't, because the effort was there, they went the few extra steps that most peopled don't. However, I find it nearly unforgiveable for someone, like a mother, for instance, to take 22 years to not even bother to get to know you, and you're left to realize one day that you're essentially living with a stranger who's just merely masked with a familiar face. In my mom's situation; I pity her. By the time she realizes anything, it's going to be too late, in fact, it's already too late. And what is it that she's going to realize? Well, she'll realize that she never made any kind of attempt to know her only child beyond the surface level. Her only attempts were to push me to do things that only she, herself, would want to do. Never asking. Never knowing. And here we are; her at 52 and me at 22. You fucking RAISE a child from out of your womb, what could possibly be wrong with you to not even know simple things like their favorite color or ability to name a movie they enjoy? But, this is far more than not knowing my favorite color or movie. This sounds so gay, the "nobody knows me!" thing -- but that's not true and not what I'm saying, there are people who truly know me; my mother is just not one of them, nor will she ever be. She'll sit there forever... as we exchange meaningless conversation that has no depth to it at all. She'll sip her coffee, and watch her soap operas as I pass in front of the TV to get to the fridge for a drink. We can live out the rest of our lives in a communicative state that closely resembles the type of people who ask how you are, but really don't care about the answer. Ugh.
Strangers
3:36 p.m.//01.24.05
Mood: Floored
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