Failure. I'm about to explode, for real. I'm mind numbingly disgusted in my own skin - total discomfort - and it seems there's nothing I can do about it. I've exhausted every possible possibility and worked my fingers to the bone only to be back near square 1. Terrible. It's as if nothing can stop this monster inside of me, and it's creating casualties in record numbers. I can no longer go out in fear of my own body. I'm over-aware of myself and every single flaw just pastes itself to my eyes. I'm fearing Thanksgiving for a couple reasons: A)the abundance of food and B)having to see people who have seen me thinner than I am now, and I will be confronted with failure. I had goals in my head of being at a normal weight about 2 summers ago. Then the same goal for this summer, and now I'm almost back to where I started. I feel like fucking dying. This is everything to me, and every binge, every slip is like a knife into my chest. I'd leave it all for just this one thing. I'm fucking sick in the head and so tired of it, and so helpless. Exhaustion. Obsession. Hatred. Insecurity. Voided. Disgusting. Disgusted. Nightmare. Hell -- these are all words that describe how I am on a daily basis. I wish one day I would wake up from my normal barely-any-sleep and be cured from this disease and able to function like an everyday, normal person functions -- able to go out, able to hold a job, able to talk to people... I'm such a fucking train wreck that words cannot define anything at all to me. It transcends every word in every language on earth. Someone, please come along and put me out of my misery.
Dismally disgusted
9:05 a.m.//10.29.04
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