Mood: blip The dreaded alarm, from it I run to wherever I am able to hide. I try to think about nothing and everything else all at once; anything to recourse my thoughts away from triggers. It gets tedious though, because I create triggers out of everything. I'm in a field of landmines and I have little energy to tread cautiously. At this hour, I am fearful of nothing in particular, except the winding down of minutes and seconds until I am forced out of my container; a circumstance to which I kick and scream. And I think I've figured it out--the root of my anxiety is the hatred of knowing I'm going to be stuck in a place where I have no choice but to be. Sometimes I get urges to go. Anywhere. It doesn't matter where, but I just need to go. So with a place like work or anywhere else that requires hours of attendance, I get severe anxiety over anticipating being helpless and unable to leave at will. I hate that feeling so very much. I wake up I don't know... 7, 8 times a night. Each time I wake up, I immediately look towards the clock and by doing so, I either feel calmed down or entirely upset. Sometimes I remember to remind myself to not even bother looking over, but it's like this impulse that I can liken to someone on a diet who knows there's a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and they shouldn't eat it but fixate on the notion of doing so. And now I think I must shit out Arby's. Again.
Clocks
5:51 a.m.//02.27.07
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