Mood: Pensive For the first time in what feels like forever, I was able to crack open the window in my room. The older I get, the more I grow to hate the summer and it's stupid friend, the heat. It's September 6th and the heat has retreated back to whatever terrible place it came from, and this is cause for celebration. I hear the crickets coming to a ever-needed crescendo for that stupid summer season, but I must admit, I do find their little feety grinds to be somewhat theraputic. I don't know. It's less than 20 days until I become a married person. Kind of strange. In a good way. And then your long-lost friend, Reality Check, makes the wake-up call, knocking on your door at 5am. It's so early, you can't be ready, but you certainly have to be. You're choiceless. And I'll tell you, honestly, choiceless is the very thing I need. I am one of those few people who cannot handle the liberty of choice. I can't handle it, and I usually make all of the wrong choices, despite knowing better. I have something describablely similar to faith in myself, or rather, faith in God. And I know, in my heart of hearts, that I don't act as I should, yet I know better, which I think, makes it all just that much worse. But I'm a little ball of regret over a few certain things--things that I'd like to stab myself in the face about. I'm a let down. A fake. A phony. A fraud. And I'm sickening sometimes. I can't help these things. And this is where You come in. Enter: God; stage left, en route toward helpless, confused mess of a creation. They talk for hours, share some stories, exchange embraces; and this connection is made. An understanding. A pure remedy. I wish it would work like that in my current reality. I would love to be able to just change in an instant with a snap or maybe even a jolly heel kick. It takes work to change, and work is measured in exherted energy, of which I have none. So rescue me, from me, and all that I believe. I won't deny the pain. And I won't deny the change. And if I fall from grace, here with you, would you leave me, too?
Carve out your heart for keeps
2:57 a.m.//09.06.06
Sound: Frank Sinatra -- Night and Day
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