I've been missing out for years. I've also realized this for years. I knew I'd resent it. I knew I'd be right. So, here I am -- being right. All of the people are beautiful. All of the people disgust me. All of the things I've ever wanted; parading blindly around; forcing me into this lonely corner. I used to have passion, you know? I used to have so much passion and I was able to manifest through one medium or another. I've been pronounced dead at the scene. Body buried? Body cremated? Perhaps cremated -- from ashes to ashes and a metaphor for all of the time and emotions set on fire, burned and scattered. One day, I'll be there -- this is what I tell myself. I tell myself a lot of things. It turns out I'm a big, fat liar. I try and tell myself that these things matter not. I have a hard time accepting who I am and the way things must be for me. Change seems hopeless. I seem hopeless. And yet, I'll wait. Wait for everything to change for me; I sure as hell cannot do it alone. Though, lately, I'm unsure as to what 'alone' exactly is. But anyway. I was standing there, right? And I wasn't sure if I wanted to move or didn't want to move. I was uncomfortable but comforted by a familiar arm around my shoulders. I'm one of the ulucky lucky ones that were lucky enough to have found true-love; not to be mistaken for untrue-love. I keep love in my back pocket, yet have the audacity to feel the other ways that I feel. I love. I know that much. I put appreciating the moments as they arrive into practice. Unfortunately, most people miss out on that. Under this illogically dark facade, I'm thankful. In those random seconds of clarity, everything is beautiful. And then reality comes and spills its blood. It comes and goes too quickly. In the morning, I'll feel completely )in)different.
I think I can wish
12:56 a.m.//04.13.05
Mood: Blee blee 2-4-7
Sound: Ringing in my ears
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