It's 2005 and unfortunately, we're still here. I watched the ball drop while sitting in a livingroom in Carteret with Pete, and as the ball fell, I secretly wished that anihilation would follow -- a blast of blinding light and then absolute nothingness seconds after. Why should someone feel like they've already lived their life at the tender age of 22? I walked down the stairs of Pete's front porch, looked around and thought to myself, "Am I going to have to live with this feeling for the rest of my life? Is this it? Is this all there is?" But that's not to say I'm not appreciative of having the greatest boyfriend ever for the past year. Both Pete and I have this comforting belief that we know we can't fix each other's mental problems completely, and we never take each other's disdain for the world personally, ever. If he seems a little distant from some kind of anger or depression about life, I know it has nothing to do with me, and when I do the same, he knows it's not him. It works out well this way. I wasn't originally intending to post about my relationship, but now I feel compelled to, and I feel that I am due since I've never done it in the past. He's always so considerate of my problematic depressive tendancies. We can spend days together and not get on each other's nerves whatsoever. "If you told me a year ago that I'd meet a chick into smoking weed, playing video games, baseball and liking the same music, I'd have laughed in your face and told you how impossible that'd be." - Pete said that last night to me. I would have laughed, too, because he's everything I've ever looked for in a person, to the T. I had a long list, actually, full of weird qualities. People would always tell me that I'd have to end up 'settling' because all those things are impossible to get in any one person. Incorrect, you bastards. The things I wanted: Honesty, morals, someone very into sports, into video games, knew and loved Silent Hill, knew what the smell of October meant, over-protectiveness, remembers the things I say, likes to talk to others about how awesome I am (hehe), enjoys pointless drives to no particular destination, loves to sit home and watch really weird movies, thinks about what it'd be like to live together and do the food shopping, would want me to go everywhere with them, can write extremely well, intelligence, selflessness, appreciative of me, isn't shallow, calls me often just to say hi, into nonsense, knew what Mr. Show was, loved Mr. Show, loves to blaze, enjoys play fighting, enjoys yelling out of car windows, into horror movies, loves Kevin Spacey, very emotional but still typical male-ish, keeps my self-esteem elevated, patient with me, has low self-esteem himself, etc etc etc I have some pretty particular details in there that I wanted but expected to never see, but I was wrong. Pete is every single one of those things and then some. I sound so uber corny, but go fuck yourself. Point is, my relationship and my friendships are the only areas in my life that I'm quite content with. I recognize these things, and appreciate them while they're still here. I'm not used to posting upbeat posts, so this is kind of weird for me. Sometimes, for split seconds, or moments, I feel happy and free from all of life's bullshit and strains, and I'm better able to see the things that truly matter instead of constantly ripping myself to shreads over every little thing. If life was just "boyfriend and friends" I'd have the perfect life.
Gratefullnessally
4:44 a.m.//01.03.05
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